You try to get her to respond by texting her. She takes so long to respond and you don't know why. In the past, she would immediately text or call you back. When you're hanging out with her you feel like you're the only one giving affection and you wonder why she isn't coming to you.
It almost feels as if she's ignoring your attempts at romantic connection. Well in this article I'm going to show you what's at play here and how you can have her seek you out - whether it's the first date or the 50th year of marriage.
Why Do You Really Want Her Attention?
The most common reason women find men unattractive is when he's seeking validation from her. When she feels that he doesn't love himself and he needs her to show him that he's good enough.
One of the ways this happens is when a man does favors, buys her things, constantly touches her, compliments her, or follows her around the house trying to make her happy so that she will like him. If she's happy, that means he's winning, and if he's winning, then he's worthwhile.
This is also the hidden reason why men will text a woman so frequently - To test to see if she responds. If she responds then that means she's still into him.
When he worries or needs reassurance he texts or calls her.
Of course, he won't show that he'll do it in such a way as to either try to make her laugh or get her to respond. But she also knows what he's doing and it's a big turnoff for her. Because if he needs to be constantly shown that he's worthy of her time and attention, then he doesn't truly believe that he is. It also shows that he doesn't have anything more important in his life to do.
If she needs to constantly reassure him, then she's really acting like his mother. Mothers show reassurance and validate their little boys and tell them they love them and it will all be alright.
This is the crutch that men fall into.
They don't realize that every time they want to text her it's really because he's feeling insecure. So he ends up trying to craft this perfect text to get her attention and make him feel secure in that she still likes him. Many guys don't know when to stop and carry this on over weeks and weeks. They don't see how their behavior is repulsing her.
Let me repeat that. She knows what's going on, and though women do have an amazing tolerance for such behavior (because ALMOST NO MAN does anything different), she will get turned off by it. She wants a grown-ass and self-validated MAN.
When she's having to reassure you... even slightly... she's giving you mothering energy.
She's not going to feel sexy or romantic when she's having to be your mother.
When You're Needy, You're Taking
When you're seeking reassurance from her by looking for her attention all the time, you're asking her to validate you and satiate your insecurity. The problem is that the energy she gives you has to come from somewhere.
When you're having to validate someone you're having to put emotional energy into them, usually at the expense of your own emotional bank account. You're seeking energy from her because you're empty inside. This is called energy vampirism. When you're taking energy from her because you can't generate it for yourself. When you seek validation from her because you can't validate yourself you're taking energy from that person.
This is draining, and at some point, she's going to feel drained just thinking about you contacting her. She'll see your text and feel, "Ugh I gotta make him feel better again." At first, she'll be compassionate and understanding because we all have problems in life. But if you're an insecure man and you're asking in subtle and hidden ways for this validation, you'll begin to define your relationship with her as her being the mother and you seeking validation that you're a good boy.
When you've defined your interactions this way, you've destroyed any attraction and you'll never see her. She'll do whatever she can to avoid you, oftentimes ghosting or breaking up with you saying, "It's not you, I'm just not ready for a relationship." or "I need to work on myself." What she's saying is that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you that you're insecure and needy because if she does you'll sink even lower. She's trying to get ahead of that.
You go to give, put more energy in than you take out.
Give Her Space and Let Her Come To You
Think of affection like food.
At some point, you get filled up and you don't want any more. What happens when the other person still gives it to you? You want to get away from them. You're full.
When you're constantly giving the other person attention and they seem to be pulling away from you, you've filled them up. They need time to get hungry for your affection again. If you keep pushing it on them because you just can't see that they are full and you're initiating affection constantly... you drive that person away.
They feel smothered.
She's not necessarily rejecting you, she's just full, and so connecting with you just isn't that important anymore. She's going towards other things in her life. That's why she's not feeling romantic with you, and why she can't just turn it on. It's too much. Too much familiarity and not enough distance.
If you want her to come to you, give her the space to do so.
Seeking Connection Too Much Is a Reversal of Polarity
You see, men typically lead the tone of the relationship and set the direction. This means she is going to mirror your behavior.
Seeking connection is a feature of feminine energy, and going towards purpose is a feature of masculine energy. When you are seeking connection you're assuming the feminine energy which will encourage her into her masculine. This means that when you're looking for attention and she's already full, she's going to be focusing on whatever tasks she needs to get done.
This isn't really a problem when she wants your attention and she's seeking connection. You both come together and fill each other up. But once you get filled up... usually after sex, your desire isn't to lay in bed (unless it's for a nap) you're probably going to want to go get shit done.
Sometimes it's good to not be constantly going towards a sexual connection. Perhaps you're both resonating in masculine when you both are working together, cleaning the house or paying bills, or perhaps you're both resonating in the feminine when you're having a romantic evening or having a long conversation.
Resonance is how we feel safety, trust, and connection with our partner, but if you're in the feminine pole for too long and the conversation has run its course then she'll flip into the masculine want to get up and do something.
If you are insecure you will stay stuck in the feminine pole and you'll still be trying to live in that romance for as long as possible and she'll get up and walk away. She'll start cleaning the house or looking up on her phone the plans for the next day...or shopping.
That's a sure sign that you've flipped the polarity.
Be the one to first get up and get back to whatever you were doing. Don't force her to do it first.
She doesn't want to be with her girlfriend, she wants to be with a man with direction.
The Rubber Band Theory - She'll Come Around
If you're chasing your woman all day, you're not following your purpose or compelling vision. If you're following your vision and going out into the world, kicking ass and doing things that you enjoy, this will naturally create a distance with her and she will follow her feminine instincts and SEEK YOU OUT.
She will seek out connection.
And when she does, you let her catch you.
When she comes to find you, she'll be everything you want her to be. Playful, loving, receptive...and sexual. When you feel her pulling away from you, just realize she's full and you should stop. Maybe even pull back a little bit, which will, over time, cause her to come to you in her own time when she is ready.
I call this the "Rubber Band Theory". When she pulls away, you pull away, which will, over time, cause her to snap back to you.
What you need to be aware of though, is you don't know how long it will take her to pull back to you.
If you're in a really happy marriage, she may want your attention after just a couple hours. If you barely know her, you have a weak connection and it might take 2-3 weeks for her to get back to you... if ever... depending on her level of attraction for you.
It's a balance that you must practice in order to learn where you should check up on her vs. letting her come to you in her own time without ANY prompting. I personally like to err on the side of letting her come to me instead of prompting her, because even prompting can come across as seeking too much connection.
The good news is, that even if you're feeling insecure, you can still exercise emotional self-control and leave her alone to come to you in her own time. It's the next best thing to being fully secure... and it works.
A confident man doesn't worry, he assumes she'll come around.
We go deep into Rubber Band Theory, getting more affection in your marriage, and minimizing the chances of women flaking out on you in the "Move on After Betrayal" program.
If you're interested in being a part of this program, start here by watching this free introduction video. You'll get instant relief from anxiety and take the first steps to moving on after trauma.
Thanks for reading, and remember to stay unapologetically you.