Ok, so you're with a woman who is fantastic - except for that ONE thing.
Maybe she's overweight, maybe she's really bad with money, or maybe she's got an anger problem. Whatever it is, you're thinking that should would be perfect if she could just change this one thing. In this article, I show you how to actually help your woman to change.
9 Steps To Help Her Change
Here's nine things you can do to help her to change. Remember that you can't make her do anything, you can only show the way. If she wants to follow your path, change will happen.
1. Let go of being in love with her potential
Realize that if you're actively withholding your love because of who you wish she would be, she's going to feel that.
She's going feel hurt and she's going to close down to you. You must be able to FULLY accept her for where she is at. If you aren't there yet, or if you cannot, just realize that this process will backfire. If you want her to lose weight and you're fantasizing and thirsting for that slender figure, this is going to make the process much harder.
I must say again, you have to let go of her potential and be willing to accept where she is at right now. And love her for who she is NOW.
If you cannot do that, then when you start implementing these powerful steps, shes' going to feel that her change is for YOU and not for her. She'll shut down, resist and resent you.
Even if she does change, all that hard work you put in, all that effort for her, will turn into MASSIVE resentment. This will hurt your relationship more than if you never even started.
But if you're really willing to move forward, if you believe she is a strong woman capable of change, if the change is for her, and not just for you, and that you know she can find the motivation and true value in it - then here we go!
2. Set expectations for amount of change
Think about it. What is the minimum amount of change that you can be satisfied with? What is the minimum amount of change that you can totally get behind? Because I can tell you right now: if there is an ideal that you're going towards, you need to let it go. She's not going to get to the end of your idealism. She's going to most likely make SOME change, but there is a really good chance that she won't go as far as you'd like to.
Imagine for example, you're a clean person and she's a slob. Just remember that she will most likely not value cleanliness as you do, so you have to decide what a happy medium is. She'll get better at cleaning, and you'll also have to be more tolerant of the mess.
So again, what can of change can you be happy with? What kind of change will she have to demonstrate for you to accept that it's a win?
3. Embody the change yourself first
Nobody likes a hypocrite.
I can tell you from experience that the first thing she is going to say if you start asking her to change is, "Well you're not doing it!" And then you'll have lost the battle before you even started.
You see...the feminine desires to be lead.
There is something in the feminine psyche that looks for leadership and to be inspired to follow. So if you want her to make a change in her life, you're going to have to go FIRST. Leading literally means to go first and you'll need to embody whatever change you desire to see in her.
If it means you'd like to see her eat more healthy than she is, you're going to have to be able to learn to eat better IN SPITE of her eating terribly right in front of you every day. Can you be stronger than her sabotaging you and your desire to eat better? You'll have to be willing to go it alone.
You may have to go to the gym ALONE, you may have to make a budget FIRST, you may have to organize and clean the house FIRST.
This is true even for couples who both have the same problem and they wish to "do it together". If you aren't solid in your change, she WILL test your leadership and not only sabotage you, but resent you when you allow her to. And if YOU sabotage HER when she gets inspired to make the change, the change will all fall apart, or she'll start to hold you in quiet contempt and lose respect for you making her lead the change.
She doesn't want to be your mommy.
Don't let that happen to you. Because once she loses respect, it's really hard to earn it back, and it's going to affect your sexual relationship.
If you can do this, this will also increase your attractive value in her eyes because you are growing and becoming more.
But it also can be a threat to her to see her man potentially growing past her and create the insecurity of you outgrowing and leaving her. If that's the case, you will have to reassure her, but keep moving forward.
So again, can you embody the change in spite of her lack of desire, sabotage, and resistance? Can you do it with love and support and willing lead her in a loving way?
You can? Good. Let's move on.
4. She needs to believe in the "WHY"
The feminine does not grow through challenge. Men do.
So if you start saying things to her like, "Hey you need to do better with your weight" or "Why are you spending so much money?!" She's going to feel completely stupid and unaccepted for the way she is. Remember point number two, "Let go of being in love with her potential"? That's what's at play here.
If you want her to change you'll have to address it in two ways. The first, through inspiration! "I would love to get in better shape and I'd love for you to join me!" this presents an opportunity for connection as well as making the change.
5. The "WHY" must be very powerful
It doesn't always have to be a positive why.
"Baby I love you, let's learn together how to clean up our diets. Your father had a heart attack and a triple bypass at age 35. I want you to have you around for a long time and for you to see our to children grow up, graduate, get married, and have grand-babies - and they need you as well."
That's very powerful. That's a whole lot better than cleaning up her diet to be sexy for you.
Or maybe the "Why" is saving for a new house so you gotta get your finances in line, get out of bankruptcy, or saving for your children's college, or retiring early. Or you can frame it in the negative - "If we don't control our spending our sons will NEVER go to college. We'll stay in this crime-ridden neighborhood and may even get robbed or attacked!"
Whatever it is, it needs to be a VERY POWERFUL WHY. The why must be MORE powerful than the temptation to not do what needs to be done. It needs to be a "Why" that has a powerful benefit and a clear way to win.
6. If you don't have a powerful "why", you risk rebellion
A lack of a good enough "why" will result in rebellion. This means she will BLAME YOU for not accepting her the way she is and close off to you emotionally. She will feel hurt, and not accepted by you. That she is intrinsically broken and won't measure up to your standards. Then you'll have to do a shit ton of work to get her to open to you again.
If she ever does.
This is why it's so hard for most men to even approach the subject.
So make sure the WHY is important to the BOTH of you and isn't flippant and selfish on your part. It needs to be something that benefits HER powerfully and in a positive way.
Once the rebellion starts it's hard to put an end it, and it can lead to other problems. She may start hiding her spending, she might sneak snacks, or she'll hide her cigarettes. At this point, it's going to be really hard to open the subject back up. You'll have to let it go without judgment to the best of your ability for a while and try again with a better "Why" at a different time. You'll have to re-inspire her.
Because the only other alternative is to just leave her if it's too much to handle. And while this threat might work for the short term, she's doing it for you and not for herself. She will resent you if you cannot give her the love and acceptance that she's looking to get from you. When things aren't going well between the two of you, she'll relapse and you'll both fall into a mountain of resentment.
You'll be angry that she fell back into it, and so will she, but she'll also feel that you'll only love her if she can maintain it.
But some problems are so extreme that you may have to threaten to leave...I leave deciding what those are up to you.
7. You have to be willing to LEAD the change.
Now after all of that! If you're still hell-bent on trying to get another human being to change, just realize that you'll need to LEAD the change. You'll need to make the diet plan, you'll need to clean out the fridge, you'll need to join the gym first, you'll need to facilitate a workout schedule that works for both of you.
With her help of course.
You'll need to say..."OK, let's sit down and make this plan together."
And when you follow the plan and she does not, she's going to feel it. And not in a good way. But this is actually GOOD because this will motivate her to follow you.
You'll be the strong one, you'll be the one embodying the change, and she'll get a little insecure about it and she'll start to move forward with you leading the way.
8. You gotta be prepared for her to not be a self-starter
Again you must FULLY EMBRACE the change, but also inspire her to go with you.
Make the budget with her, and make a simple plan she can follow. Help to troubleshoot her sticking points. Track the money and say"We spent $250 on groceries, let's try doing the online checkout and pickup at the store so we won't be tempted to impulse buy." You may be surprised to find you spend half as much.
If you're telling her, "Just buy what's on the list." when she walks into the store, or expect her to go into your bank account, make a budget, then start tracking it, on her own, you're living in a dream world.
If she could do it herself already, she would have. You have to be the one to catalyze a different way of thinking.
If you think that by saying, "Hey can you do the dishes more often?" is going to do anything, you're foolish. You'll need to come up with a cleaning schedule and a list of responsibilities and you'll have to be the one to remind the family that Saturday morning is cleaning day so don't make any plans! You'll have to be the one to initiate making a family chores list and ensure it's being tracked, at least in the beginning.
Nobody likes change, and change for the better is usually tough. You're going to get resistance and you'll have to be the champion. Don't let her resistance get you down or piss you off. If change is hard for you, imagine how it is going to be when you're dragging everyone along to change with you?
So again, it's up to YOU to lead the change. You'll have to organize making the plan, designing the system, and do the self-starting for both of you in the beginning.
At some point, SHE WILL HAVE to take up the torch for herself. Because if she doesn't and it falls apart for her, it's going to create a mountain of resentment in you. So be certain that you really want to take this path.
Onto the last point.
9. It's better to just find a good match to start with
You probably don't need me to tell you this, as it's kinda obvious, but it's better to just find a woman whom you are satisfied with already. That matches you and the way you like to live your life.
If you're a clean person, you should probably marry someone who values cleanliness. If you're good with money, don't merge your accounts with a spender, and if you find thin and fit women sexy then don't hide that and pretend you don't and date an overweight woman.
Trust me when I say that she can feel your eyes lusting after that beauty in the coffee shop and not her. This will hurt her and create sadness in being reminded that she's not really what you want. It won't matter what you say to the contrary.
She'll notice the way you look at her when she eats a slice of cake, or that frustrated sigh when you see yet another Amazon package come to the door and you know your bank account is draining. If you see it as a problem, there's a very good chance that SHE sees it as a problem as well and is very sensitive to it.
So again you only have three choices, say, "Fuck it"..and accept that this is the way it's always going to be...or you can go through the hard process of facilitating change...or leave her and find someone who matches you well.
We get into more of the specifics of how to facilitate personal change in our MOAB-coaching program. You can get a taste of monumental personal change by watching this free introductory video. Afterwards you'll have an opportunity to schedule a free call with us and see if the program is right for you!
Remember to stay unapologetically you.