The One True Secret of a Successful Dating and Sex Life

Why is it that some days women seem to pay attention to you but other days you get no love at all?

What's the difference here?

Why is it some days you can accidentally have an effortless conversation with the woman in front of you in line and other times you say something boneheaded and she shuts you down? 


5 Energy States That Determine How Women Respond to You

Did you know that when meeting or going out on a date, your energy is all that really matters? When I say "good energy" what I'm referring to is a congruent calm, collected, and relaxed emotional state.

Here are the five types of energies that we give off. One of them will cause women to chase you. The others will drive them away from you.

1. The Energy of Approval

Did you know that when meeting or going out on a date, your energy is all that really matters?  When I say "good energy" what I'm referring to is a congruent calm, collected, and relaxed emotional state.

When you are calm, collected, and relaxed...when you are just being your heartfelt unapologetic self, you convey an energy of not needing anything from another person. You feel complete already.

You have everything you emotionally need.

For instance, when you're hanging out with your friends, are you worried about what they think of you? Are you worried about the perfect thing to say so that they will like you? Absolutely not! You're just saying shit and having a good time. Maybe even discussing a deep topic or philosophy. You're not trying to "get" anything from your friend!

You're just connecting with your friends and having a good time with no expectations. This is the behavior she wants to see from you. 

But men behave differently when an attractive woman is around. They believe they need to be different than they are.

They feel they need to be cooler, act tougher, be humorous, or be able to stand out in some way. 

I can't tell you the number of times I'm hanging out with a group of guys or even just observing another group. These guys are joking around, giving each other a hard time, and simply having a great time.

Until an attractive woman shows up.

Suddenly there's a tension in the air. As the men feel they need to outmaneuver each other. Like there is this hidden game being played.

All of a sudden all the fun leaves the room.

Except for her. She's getting lots of attention. The men are all trying to make her laugh or show off in some subtle way, or be overly agreeable and acting like they have all the same interests as her. And there's always that quiet friend who's too afraid to speak up when she's around but is glancing at her constantly.

Sure she might be having a great time, but she wouldn't consider any of these men as a lover because, unbeknownst to those guys, she can tell what's going on!

They are giving off the energy of, "Please like me as I pretend to not silently ask for approval every time we make eye contact."

They don't really want her as much as they want her approval. 

She can feel this. And approval energy is the need for mothering energy.

When you are asking her for approval, what you're really saying is, "I'm a good boy, look at me, and show me that I did good!"

If you make her your mommy, she's not fucking you.

If you make her your mommy, she's not fucking you.

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You need to learn to approve of yourself. To give yourself mothering energy. She doesn't want to show you approval, she wants you to approve of yourself.

2. The Energy of Outcome

Men are very action-oriented. We need to feel that we are successful.

This why men want to hit these dating milestones when it comes to relating to women. By getting her number, or getting to first base. These are seen as accomplishments. That they have a goal or an opponent who needs to be conquered.

The problem is that if you see conquering a woman as an accomplishment, you prevent yourself from connecting with her, as you go towards your goal. The more you objectify her or your intimacy in this manner the more you block intimacy from happening.

For example, the more you're looking to orchestrate an outcome by looking for an opportunity to kiss her or try to get her home as soon as possible, the less you'll be able to be fully present with her. 

Because you're in your head.

And when you're in your head, you're not in your heart.

If you're not in your heart she won't feel safe with you. She won't feel an energetic connection.

She's going to feel the pressure of having to perform for you and to move forward physically. Even when she's not ready. When she feels this pressure she's going to resist it. It's not going to feel natural to her. It won't feel like an extension of intimacy and connection in this moment. The pressure makes her feel like your goal is more important than her.

When you're going for an outcome you're not going to be able to see the proper way to move things forward. And when you do try to move things forward, you're going to get locked up trying to find the proper tactic, feeling like you're being tested by her, or that you're possibly failing.

The moment for the kiss will come, but you'll be too worried about the outcome. 

You'll get into your head ... and out of her heart.

She just wants to have a good time, but you're more concerned with the outcome. So let go of the need to have a result. 

Intimacy is a symptom of unapologetic connection. Just realize the outcome you desire is simply a matter of time. 

3. The Energy of Lust

Again when you're trying to "get" something from her she's going to feel that. Lust is another way you're going to scare her off.

Sure, your sexual desire is pleasant if she finds you attractive (unless it's out of control). If you're having a hard time thinking about things other than sex, or your physical desire, she's going to feel creeped out, because again, you're trying to "get" something from her.

Your hidden agenda for sex comes off as creepiness. It's when you try to orchestrate the outcome of sex without the connection. 

You're trying to get something from her that she's not ready to give. Men have a hard time with an overabundance of the energy of lust because of the amount of porn that most men watch. Because most men never learn how to vent or control their lust they make all interactions with women about sex.

Some men even feel that sex is the only thing women have going for them.

Men go through a cycle of intense lust, which leads to watching porn, which turns into intense listlessness, which then destroys the motivation to connect with a woman, or even anybody! When he's in his lust cycle he creeps her out, and when he's in his listless cycle he doesn't want anything to do with her. He may even secretly hate her.

She wonders - he doesn't just want sex, he NEEDS sex. I can't really be sure he's safe to be around. 

When a man isn't comfortable with his horniness, and can't seem to control it, his energy system is WAY out of whack, and he comes off as creepy as he forgets how to relate to people on a normal level. He feels as though his lust is a pain in the ass and he just needs to watch some porn to get it out of the way.

But your sexual desire is a gift, not a burden.

To her addiction to lust shows low emotional control, and provokes feelings of danger.

4. The Energy of Shame

The energy of lust and the energy of shame typically go hand in hand. 

When he's in the cycle of listlessness he can't connect with her because of his shame. He feels shameful because he doesn't feel like she would accept him the way he is and so he has to resort to porn to get rid of the horniness or to distract himself from an area he doesn't want to deal with.

Like procrastinating doing something he needs to be doing. He may also feel shame because he doesn't want her to know that he watches porn.

He may also feel shame because he just can't go out there and meet women because he is weak in the aftermath of masturbation. He's lost all drive and motivation to make something happen in his life. He'd rather chill out and distract himself with other things. 

This is usually the biggest motivator in avoiding eye contact with other people. Hidden shame. He hides from people by diverting his eyes. Shame is the nonacceptance of the self. The hating of the self because of a certain trait, thought pattern, or behavior.

He thinks, "I don't like me, so why would anybody else? I don't want to see their disapproval." 

When you hide from her, you can't be her rock or connect, which blocks intimacy, and rejects her.

5. The Energy of Attraction 

Attraction isn't lust. Attraction is simply that, being attracted to somebody.

Many men feel shameful about their sexual attraction. 

When you honor your sexual attraction for her and embrace it. When you look at your attraction as a breath of fresh air that makes you feel alive with possibility, you now come from a place of power and healthy desire. 

Attraction means allowing your physical desire to be present and honored in a healthy way without judgment, without the need for approval, and without needing a specific outcome.  

You simply desire her gifts, but whether or not you get them is irrelevant. 

This is what she wants to feel from you. That you strongly desire her, physically AND as a person, but still have your head on your shoulders, and keep a logical and emotionally strong mind. She wants to feel how your desire out of your inner security. 

She wants to feel that you're going towards what YOU want and are making things happen in your life. When what you want is HER, then she can trust that there isn't some hole in your life that you expect her to fill. She can feel that you're actually emotionally safe to be around and that you aren't trying to steal her sex, get mothering approval energy, or trying to meet a specific personal goal to feel a sense of accomplishment.

You have your path, you know what you want in life, and you show your desire for her. She can trust this congruence and honesty.


Men frequently ask why some guys have casual sex thrown at them, and the answer is simple. Because he doesn't place strings, judgments, attachments, or hooks into her. He just allows it to simply be.

Attraction isn't a choice. But allowing and honoring your attraction is.

Your Turn

We get into the proper way to approach, connect, and have an overabundance in your dating and intimate encounters in the MOAB-coaching program. If you're interested in being a part of the coaching program, start by watching this free video. If you feel the program is for you, you can schedule a free call with us afterwards.

Remember to stay unapologetically you.


About the author

Specializing in helping men get back on their feet after a divorce, Ed Baxter has helped hundreds of divorced men through Genuine Attraction over the last 4 years.

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